I've been feeling more in tune with the universe lately to be visceral about it. Translation: I feel very close to God right now. I've been toning down my sexuality a lot in the past couple years, and now I'm to the point where I really don't want to have sex at all because I feel so much more fulfillment from philosophical or spiritual conversation, and spiritual experience (like meditation). I also graduate from college in a year and my main focus is on school and what will happen thereafter. Before I ever had sex I always envisioned it as being a way to deeply or even spiritually connect with a lover. I waited till I was seventeen and with someone I loved. Four years later I sit here having been with over thirty people and MAYBE three of them had even a conception of meaningful sex. For a year I decided to try "free love" with the goal of putting smiles on faces, but of course I realized pretty early on I was just a last resort to most of the guys. After awhile I realized I wasn't benefiting myself at all, just being used. But I still continued with it for their sake, and then I'd wind up feeling like sh*t about it later. Now, as Murphy's Law would have it, after all that shitty, meaningless sex, I am with a very loving guy who is all about meaningful sex and touch in general. When we first started seeing one another I was relieved that he actually did what I wanted. Then he told me he doesn't really like the forceful/dominant stuff and wasn't big on getting head (???), which were my "things". I didn't want subject him to anything he didn't dig, but that pretty much killed the sex between us. Then he told me that he finds an important and deep connection to another through sex and skin to skin contact. But by that time I was not cool with being naked for anything other than a shower and changing clothes, and certainly not cool with doing anything sexual. This has been going on for about three months now, and though we've had sex a few times, I didn't enjoy it and I felt really crappy afterward. He did say that he doesn't mind going without sex for a little while, but it still bothers me. Like I have this crappy evolution deep within that says women are obligated to make love to their men. I don't feel that my boyfriend violated me, I feel sex itself is a violation of my body, which, under my current state of mind is a temple not to be trifled with. Also when I think about or have sex I get caught up in the way it looks physically, and to me it looks pretty gross. Fleshy pole in fleshy hole. And my skin is so sensitive that almost every touch feels like a tickle. Really annoying. I guess I'm not really asking a question here. Just curious what you all have to say about that cause it's really getting to me that the very thing that makes my boyfriend feel a connection between us is to me a detriment and a mortal sin against myself.